The Episode

Chinatown (1974) is a neo-noir starring Jack Nicholson and someone else. Things happen, but we're not really sure what those things are. Then his nose gets cut up and the ending is sad. Does anyone remember what happens in this movie?

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The Ratings

Did you like this movie more or less than the last time you saw it?

Dan: More

Molly: No answer

Also Dan: More

Beth: More

The Trailer

Totes Regrets

By Dan Linden

In this episode, after Molly suggests the insane hypothetical of your mom suggesting you watch Grease as a young teen, I stop myself from telling a story about my own mother, because it's about a completely different film. That film is Orgazmo, the unapologetically stupid comedy from Trey Parker of South Park fame that tells the tale of a naive Latter-Day Saint who becomes a superhero/adult film star.

The year was circa 2000. Teen Dan was showing off his Child of Divorce street cred by having all his friends over to watch an NC-17 movie that his older brother owned. Laughs were had. Dick jokes were made (by both film and audience). Enter Mom, innocently wondering what all those cool teens in her basement were up to. Mere seconds later, there was a comical gasp and a rushing to hit the Stop button on the DVD player. Then I was asked to talk to her upstairs.

"Danny, what would I say to their parents if they found out I let their children watch...Orgazmo?"

"Mom, why would they tell their parents?"

"That's not important."

What WAS important, apparently, was that we accept her tough but fair terms that we would not be allowed to watch the exciting conclusion until she watched the film and deemed its level of appropriateness. My friends were all so delighted at the idea of my mom sitting down and forcing herself to watch this idiotic movie that they all agreed immediately (I was, of course, MORTIFIED by the whole ordeal, but even I could see how funny it was).

In the end, her righteous parental fury had died down after a few days, as had our active interest in watching the movie, and while she did, in fact, watch Orgazmo, all that came of it was the occasional gentle invitation to my friends and me to sit down and hear her take on it. We politely declined.*

*I eventually caved. Big takeaway: The movie Orgazmo, kind of offensive to women and Mormons.

No shit, Mom.

"Ooh, I've been saying Jack for a lot of years"

We gave Dan a lot of shit for misremembering the famous button on this movie as "Forget about it, Jack, it's Chinatown." But it turns out we may have been a little hard on him, because old Jacky Nicks has spent a good chunk of his career portraying men with J names:

The Cry Baby Killer (1958) - Jimmy Wallace
The Wild Ride (1960) - Johnny Varron
Sea Hunt (1961) - John Stark
Flight to Fury (1964) - Jay Wickham
Dr. Kildare (1966) - Jaime Angel
Carnal Knowledge - Jonathan
The Shining (1980) - Jack Torrance
Batman (1989) - Joker aka Jack Napier
The Two Jakes (1990) - J.J. 'Jake' Gittes (Editor's note: same character! This movie could've been called "Chinatown 2: No One Wanted This")
Hoffa (1992) - Jimmy Hoffa
Mars Attacks! (1996) - President James Dale
The Pledge (2001) - Jerry Black
I'm Still Here (2010) - Jack Nicholson

The Extras

Roman Polanski's disturbing cameo (with delightful wordplay!) [1:07]
Dare to Compare: "Sexy" horns from the beginning of the film versus "sad" horns from the end.

12. Chinatown